Wicked Without Remorse

          Maraming salamat po sa mga taong tumatangkilik sa aking blog page at patuloy na sumusubaybay sa antolohiyang aking sinulat, ang PURGATORYO. Sa mga nagtext ng kanilang mga komento, positibo man o kritikal, lubos ko po itong ikinatutuwa. Kina Ate Jing, Mark, Rissa, Trish, Len, and Sarah, maraming salamat sa pagiging masugid na tagahanga. Asahan ninyo na mas magiging kapana-panabik ang mga susunod na kwento sa mundo nina Adam at Vikhoune.

EPISODE 4

          When Adam opened his eyes, he was back at the familiar surroundings of their apartment. He stood up with a jolt, causing the stool he was sitting at to tumble on the floor. He searched the place for the devil, determined not to be petrified and ready to scurry away again. But there was nobody else in the living room.

          He posed the chair back in its place and sat. He was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a horrible nightmare, after all! He sat in silence, trying to recall his dream – his dead neighbor, the frozen time, the girl, the devil! He gazed at the spot where the black man stood. He tried to rebuff the macabre thoughts off his head.

          It was then that he heard a distinct sound. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Unmistakably, the ticking sound of the clock. Adam stood up slowly and walked towards his room. He had barely made several steps when, from one of the other rooms, his brother Rodrigo came out running to the next door.

          “Hey, Rod!” Adam called. But Rodrigo didn’t seem to have heard him. Another door slammed open, and James, wearing only his boxers, came out and hurried to enter the room where Rodrigo got into. “James, what’s going on?” Adam asked. He walked towards where they were, inside his room, bewildered. Why can’t they hear me?

          Adam stepped inside and was shocked by what he saw. He saw himself, lying in bed, pale and unconscious, lifeless. James and Rodrigo was trying to do CPR on him. They seemed to be talking, shouting even. But Adam couldn’t hear what they were saying.

          Adam tried to move in closer. He wanted to make sure he’s seeing what he’s seeing. Tick, tock, tick, tock. The sound was ever louder. Then, he saw James and Rodrigo calm down from their panic. Adam saw himself motionless in bed. His gaze turned to the clock at the bedside drawer. The tick tock sound halted, and Adam swayed his head in utter disbelief. The time displayed on the digital clock was 8:30.

          Adam turned to leave, but stopped all of a sudden. He stood face to face with another Adam, and found himself staring this one in the eyes. Before long, Adam realized that he was standing before a mirror, and was merely looking at his own reflection.

          “You cannot deny death when you see it.”

         Adam recognized the voice. He trembled at the realization that the nightmare had come back. Or did I awake from it in the first place? He stepped back from the mirror and saw the reflection of the room, and of the girl who stood in a corner behind him. “Who are you?”

          The girl walked slowly towards him. She was wearing the same grimy shirt with torn sleeves. Her face, though covered with dirt, showed innocent eyes and a timid expression. She couldn’t be older than eighteen. Adam didn’t move away as she finally closed the gap between them.

         “I am Vikhoune. What is your name?”

          Adam cleared his throat and answered in a low voice. “My name is Adam, and I’m scared, and I have not a single clue or rational explanation as to what is going on. Now, please tell me! Have I gone insane, imagining all these! Or am I really…?”

          The girl looked at him intently then prodded him. “Go on. Say it.”

          “Dead?” Adam almost whispered. Vikhoune didn’t reply. Without taking her eyes off his, she nodded her head. It seemed they stood there gazing at each other forever, even if it was just actually a few moments. Then, finally, he submitted. Realization overwhelmed him. He believed.

          Adam buckled on his knees, suddenly lost all strength to remain standing. Too many things ran in his head. Why do I feel alive? What will happen to my brothers? Have they buried me yet? Is this heaven or hell? What about all the unpaid bills? I have a meeting by Saturday, and my boss will kill me if I don’t attend. But he can’t kill me now ‘coz I’m already dead.

          Adam raised his head and looked at Vikhoune. She hadn’t removed her eyes on him all the while. She stood there as if anticipating Adam’s next question.

          “If I am dead, then what is this place?” Adam wanted to find out. “This won’t pass as heaven. Because the Bible don’t exaggerate, right? But if this is hell, it’s not so bad at all.”

          Vikhoune answered with the same blank expression. “You are in a place that is neither. The eternal asylum of souls bereft of peace, restless and damned.

          “You are at the Purgatory.”

                32 students and possible faculty members are dead after a terrifying rampage. I don’t have many words at this time, only to express my heartfelt sorrow and deepest sympathies to those affected by this horrifying event. I understand what you are feeling and experiencing at this moment. I have cried those tears. I have asked the questions over and over again.

          I know your pain. I have also lived in moments of fear where you do not know what is happening. The unknown can be far more dangerous and fear inducing than the truth that is slow in coming. In these moments, know that even so many hundred of miles away, I stand here feeling remorse for such a tragedy as this.

          I feel anger at the loss of life. I feel horror at the impact this will have on the school, the community and in the end the nation. I feel sadness in knowing this is not the last school shooting to scar our hearts. I feel empty at being helpless to run to those in need and help. All I can do is pray and watch as the events continue to unfold.

          Tonight we question, we theorize and we assume. We should question and search for the answers. But I believe we should not forget the lives lost and the pain that will be coming to surface in the next few hours, days and weeks.

          Remember. …and pray. Pray for the families, the wounded, the lost and the community.

          I’ve reached the 20-Day mark of my freedom from Cigarettes. I feel wonderful about it. Almost three weeks! Wow! Kailangan lang talagang magpakatatag para hindi daigin ng mga temptations. Minsan, pagka nababato ako, nagke-crave ako for a stick. But, so far, i haven’t been defeated yet. My resolve remains strong.

EPISODE 3

          The words seemed to reverberate in Adam’s ears.

           He didn’t want to believe it. How could he possibly? Last night, he went to bed after watching the Australian Open. He listened to the usual lullaby of his brothers’ squabbling, recited a little thank-you-prayer, then dozed off. He couldn’t be dead.

          But he felt terrified. He didn’t want to accept what the girl said, but he couldn’t dismiss it too.  He let go of the girl’s han d and said, “That’s absurd! We are in the middle of downtown, talking – how can we be dead?” The blank expression on the girl’s face remained unchanged. She looked intently at him, but Adam had no intention of staring back at her again. “You saw it, how I died,” she said, almost whispering. “You cannot deny death.”

          Adam felt anger surge through him. “I am not dead!” he shouted. Then, without thinking, he ran back to the hotel. He bumped on several people and stumbled twice, but he got up and continued his way. He wanted sanctuary before he completely lose his mind. He ran as fast as he could, as thoughts raced in his head. He tried desperately to remember everything that happened the previous night, dogged to find a clue, any clue to substantiate that he’s not dead. That the world has gone crazy or was simply playing mind games on him.

          Adam entered the hotel. He didn’t find Rolly or Ronnie at the lobby, but he didn’t care. He dashed the three floors up to his apartment, only to find the door of 307 ajar. Adam stopped in front of it, finally able to catch his breath. Slowly, he pushed the door open. He prayed anxiously to see his brothers. He wanted all this madness to end.

          But it was neither James nor Rodrigo that he saw.

          In a sudden instant, everything that he knew to be right or wrong, truth or imagination, rational or lunacy faded and was replaced by dread unlike he ever felt in his whole life. Standing at the center of the living room was a tall man, cloaked in a black robe that fluttered in the wind blowing from the opened windows. He had an ominous presence and, though, his face was shrouded in shadow, Adam felt his eyes fiercely gazing at him. He wanted to escape, but his whole body froze, his feet inexplicably unable to move, as if glued to the floor.

          Adam was even more horrified when the man took a step towards him. He wanted to shriek, but he couldn’t open his mouth. Tears started falling on his cheeks, a prayer already running in his head. Is he the devil? Or Death, here to collect me? He remembered the words of the girl - I am dead. We all are.

          The man took another step. A foul smell emanated from him, like the stench of burned carcass. It nauseated Adam. The stink polluted his lungs and filled it with reek. Adam could no longer think straight, his mind as if in trance. He stood there like a man awaiting his execution, his inevitable doom. He no longer had the will to resist. He probably thought, still, that this was just a nightmare he’d eventually wake up from. Or maybe, he just knew there was no more escape.

          Adam closed his eyes in submission. He found comfort in the blackness, though he felt the man step closer once again. Those few moments seemed to have stretched forever. He wasn’t sure which he anticipated – fangs sucking blood through his neck, his arms or head being ripped off, or a blade scything his innards. He just waited.

          What happened next, he wasn’t sure. Adam felt a hand grab his arm, and the next thing he saw, when he finally opened his eyes, was the girl from downtown, whisking him out of the building. He felt weak, as if still under a spell. So he just let the girl take him away. Although he can’t think straight, he felt safe.

          She was talking to him, but her voice seemed to be coming from afar. “… must remain awake … you are not … how did you … must wake up…” He could not decipher the snippets from what she was saying. His eyes were getting heavy, he felt weaker than ever. He could feel her dragging him.

          Then, it was all black again.

EPISODE 2        

           Adam was overwhelmed with fright as he frantically went out of 1750 Main Street, the 3rd floor of which he calls home. In his haste, he bumped onto a person passing by the street. They both fell on the sidewalk.

          Adam quickly stood up and pronounced a torrent of apologies. He found out that the person was a sturdy old man in a military uniform. He offered a hand to assist him in getting up, but the old man refused and slapped Adam’s hand away. The latter said something in a strange sounding language. Adam only understood English and Filipino. But as the old man obviously spoke in an angry tone, Adam needed no further translation.

          It was at that exact moment when Adam finally sensed an eerie feeling of discomfort. It didn’t take long before he realized how quiet it suddenly became. Adam looked around him and was stunned by what he saw – everybody on the street had stopped on their tracks and were all looking directly at him. It seemed like hundreds, even a thousand pairs of eyes darted at him.

          Slowly, he stepped away from the old man and started walking. He had no idea where he was going, he just felt compelled to leave and disappear. As he did so, the street went alive again and the people went on their own directions. Adam grimaced at the sight of oddly dressed pedestrians. There were definitely more than several foreigners joining this parade.

          He also noticed that the shops lining the street are all closed. The residential buildings had all their lights turned off. Or there must really be a power outage? Must be. Even the traffic lights are not on. Not that there is a need for them at the moment. All the cars are still idly aligned on the road.

          Far ahead, he could already see the pinnacle of the city hall. A large clock bedecks the tower. Residents of the city refer to this landmark as the watchtower, the icon for which Manila is known. Adam saw a familiar display of time on the clock – the shorter hand pointing at eight, the other at six. Half past eight!

          Adam swayed his head in disbelief. He grabbed a man passing by and hastily asked for the time. The man looked irritably at him, but did not reply. Adam took his arm and looked at his watch. Just as he feared, the time read half past eight. The man pushed him away. “You’re crazy! Time doesn’t exist in this place,” the latter retorted.

          “What do you mean by that?” Adam pleaded. But the old man hurried away, leaving him bewildered. Has he gone crazy, indeed? Everything that’s been going on since he woke up is nothing but weird, the kind of stuff he sees on the Twilight Zone. Now, wait a minute! That must be it! I’m dreaming, I haven’t woke up yet!

          But before Adam could actually convince himself that everything was a reverie, he heard a voice from behind which said, “You are mistaken.” Adam turned around and found out that it was a young lady who spoke the words. She wore grimy clothes, and her face was caked with dirt. Her eyes looked tired, as if worn out by incessant crying.

          “There is no waking up,” the girl continued. “You now dwell in the eternal embrace of slumber.” The girl looked at him for a brief moment, then started to walk away. Adam managed to grab her by the hand. “Who are you?” he asked, already in panic. “And what the hell is happening here?”

          “I am what you are,” the girl replied without looking at him. “We are what everybody else is in this abhorrent place!”

          The girl turned and, instantly, her eyes met Adam’s. What he saw drained whatever sanity was left in him. His mind was flooded with a violent flow of visions –slivers of memory from a past not his own, which ended with a glimpse of a tragic suicide. He realized what they meant, understood everything even before the girl spoke once more.

          “I am dead. We all are.”

          I was interviewed last Thursday at IBM. I didn’t get the job. Haaaay… It’s been a long time since I got denied an application. I wasn’t devastated, but quite disappointed. I know I would have been great for that job. And siguro, nanghinayang din ako sa dami ng possibilities na inihain sa akin during my first interview. Tinakam kasi ako masyado. Anyway, I guess I just have to deal with it. Time to move on.

EPISODE 1

          Adam woke up one morning, wondering why everything was so quiet at the apartment he shares with his brothers. Usually, when he gets up at seven, Rodrigo and James’ bickering would already be at its peak. Usually, the sound of heavy traffic outside the building would already be banging on his window.

          Something was quite different. He clutched his arms, chest, feet and other parts of his body. Everything felt okay. But still…

          He got out of bed, as if in a stupor. Was he awake? Was he in between dreaming and consciousness? Adam was quite certain he had a dream last night. He was almost sure that it was scary and forbidding, but he could no longer remember anything about it.

          He went to the kitchen. Strange – nobody was there. The table was also empty and clean. None of the usual dishes from the previous night’s dinner that he’d be compelled to wash because his brothers never have the initiative to. And there was also no sign of Rodrigo or James. Where are those bozos?

          Adam checked the living room. Still the same – empty. The clock on the wall says it’s already half past eight. He’s already late for work, yet he feels no urgency to rush. He decided to call his secretary, an alibi already made up in his head. But when he put the receiver on his ear, he heard no dial tone. He tapped the plunger several times. Still nothing. He checked the wires. They’re all in place. Damn! James must have forgotten to pay the phone bill again.

          For several minutes, Adam just sat there, staring blankly at the floor. Then, he turned to the clock again. He was confused. The time was still half past eight. This prompted him to come closer and examine. Aha! What do you know. The clock’s also busted!

          Adam switched the television on, but it doesn’t seem to be working too. He turned the radio on, and was dismayed to find out that it was likewise kaput. Is there a power outage or something? For the first time since he got up, he noticed that it’s quite dark inside the apartment. He turned towards the window and saw the curtains weren’t drawn yet.

          He opened the curtains and was aghast at the sight that greeted him. The sky was dark and the sun was nowhere to be found. It was like dusk already. Or was it? He looked down on the streets. The cars were on the road, alright. But they weren’t moving. They all seemed to be parked there. Weird! Adam also noticed a lot of people on the streets, just milling around, like in a mardi gras or something.

          Okay, now I’m officially freaking out! I wasn’t drunk last night, I couldn’t have overslept. And what’s the deal out there on the streets? Is there a parade or some- thing? Damn it! Where the heck are my brothers?

          He put on a shirt and his jeans and went out of their unit. The hallway was empty. No sign of the kids from 305 playing hide and seek. He stood in front of the elevator and pushed the down button. Alas! It was also out of order. Adam had no choice but to use the stairs.

          When he came at the lobby of the building, he saw three people. One was an old lady, around the age of sixty. She was sitting on one of the benches, her eyes looking absently on the floor. The other one was a girl dressed in a funny looking dress. She was cheerfully humming and dancing, oblivious to everybody else around her. The last person horrified Adam.

          It was a tenant who used to live three doors from their unit. He wasn’t sure whether it’s Rolly or Ronnie, but, certainly, a name sounding like that. What shocked him at the sight of this former neighbor is the fact that he died of a terminal ailment over a year ago. Adam stepped back, scared out of his wits. Right then, the guy looked at him. It was enough to have Adam running out of the building.

          Last Holy Week, pinalabas sa TV yung Magnifico. I don’t know if many people have seen this great pinoy film. Pero isa ‘to sa mga da best sa listahan ko pagdating sa mga pelikulang nakapagpaiyak sa akin nang husto. I’ve seen it several times, yet each time I still cry like a baby. Hahaha. Yung mga scenes following Ikoy’s death, I’m telling you , kukurutin talaga ang puso mo. Manhid ka ‘pag ‘di ka napaluha.

         I failed to watch Click sa big screen. Although I really wanted to. I’m a big Adam Sandler fan kasi. Akala ko, it was purely comedy  and feel good love story. Hala! Nung  mga last part na ng movie, naging intelihente na yung takbo ng kwento. I mean, it made me think and reflect na. That scene kung saan tumatakbo si Adam Sandler sa ulanan, trying to catch his son so he can prevent him from committing the mistakes he did in his own life, humagulgol talaga ako. After watching Click, I’m sure mag-iiba ang tingin mo sa mga magulang at mga kapatid mo.

          Some critics said that Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ was too violent. Nung una ko itong mapanood, hindi ko talaga matingnan yung ibang scenes kung saan pinapahirapan si Jim Caviezel, who played Christ. It was too realistic. Pero the journey to crucifiction had a lot of scenes na talagang paiiyakin ka. Sobrang bumaha rin ang luha ko sa isang to.

          The film Crash surprised everybody when it won Best Picture sa Oscar. Pero ako, hindi. It was one of the best written films ever. Ganda rin ng acting ng cast at ng editing. Ang daming characters, at may kani-kanya silang istorya, pero they are interconnected with each other. The scene where Matt Dillon rescues Thandie Newton sa nag-aapoy na kotse had me crying buckets of tears. May prior scene kasi silang dalawa na nag-establish ng animosity ni Thandie kay Matt. Isa pang sobrang memorable scene ay yung may binaril na repairman, tapos iniligtas siya ng anak niyang bata. It turns out, blanks lang pala ang bala nung baril. May sinabi yung bata na sobrang ikaka-touch mo.

           And then, there’s the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Sinasamba ko talaga ang henyo ni Peter Jackson for making the best trilogy ever. He gave justice to Tolkien’s masterpiece. The last film was Return of the King. That scene kung saan sumugod sina Faramir sa Gondor kahit alam nilang mamamasaker sila dahil sa sobrang konti nila, maiiyak ka talaga. Ang lungkot ng feeling ko after the end of this movie. Sobrang bittersweet. Naramdaman ko kasi ang pain nina Frodo at Aragorn at ng iba pang characters. Sobrang dami ng pinagdaanan nila. Na-test ang faith, ang courage, ang friendships.

           O ayan, five films that you can catch on video if you’re in the mood for some senti and meaningful tears. Trust me. You won’t just cry, you’ll learn something in the process. I did.

          15 days clean. Wow! I can’t believe I’ve reached the two-week mark na. There have been many instances na napakalakas ng urge to grab a stick and light up. Lalo na kapag sobrang dami ng oras na nakatambay ka lang. Minsan nga, sa panaginip ko, nagyosi daw ako. It felt so real. Paggising ko, I felt guilty. Haaaay… Kakayanin ko ‘to! Kaya ko ‘to!