Wicked Without Remorse

EPISODE 6

          Vikhoune held Adam’s hand as they walked out of the room. Adam is seeing the surroundings for the first time. He realized that Vikhoune had taken him in a bunker. There were people all over the place, dressed in weird forms of clothing. Adam now knows that they are not part of a parade. They are dead men and women from various periods of time.

          Vikhoune led him to several hallways and flights of stairs until they reached a glass door. No, wait. It ain’t glass at all. It’s made of thick ice.

          "Where are you taking me?" asked Adam. Vikhoune did not respond. She pressed her hand on the door, which suddenly went ablaze. Adam removed his hand from Vikhoune’s grasp and stepped back, feeling a mix of shock and amazement.

          "Do not be afraid, Adam," Vikhoune said softly.

          Maybe it was the reassuring tone of her voice. Maybe it was the way she looked at him. Maybe it was the calmness in the way she moves. Whatever the reason, Adam knew it was safe to follow her, even as she entered the blazing door. She vanished, swallowed up by the flames.

          Adam stood there for a moment. He doesn’t know what awaits him on the other side. But he knew he had to take that step. He closed his eyes tightly and balled his hands into fists. He held his breath and plunged into the fiery gate.

EPISODE 5         

          Adam thought of all the stories he have heard and read about the purgatory. He never actually believed it existed, although he found it amusing, both as an ingredient in many fictional works and as a facet of catholic belief. It was often defined as a place where those who have died expiate their sins by suffering to receive the grace of God.

          The discovery that he was at the purgatory came as no surprise for Adam. He didn’t consider himself a good man when he was still alive. He had three girlfriends aside from Marie. His success at work came at the expense of many friends who deserved the promotions more. He only goes to Church on Christmas Eve, and sometimes on his birthday. He was always thinking of himself.

          But he wasn’t all bad, though. He loved his brothers so much and would do everything for them. He never drank a bottle of beer or smoked a cigarette in his lifetime. There were times when he would find himself compassionate and sensitive, that even he himself was surprised. And despite the gross absence from Church on Sundays, he believed in a God.

          “What I saw… Is that how I died?” Adam asked.

          “You cannot deny death when you see it,” Vikhoune answered, repeating what she said earlier. Her voice is shrill and almost haunting. “The purgatory perpetually taunts you by evoking the moment of your death when you look into your own eyes. The same happens when you look into others’ eyes. You see their death, as you have seen mine.”

          The visions he had at the park when he first met Vikhoune came back to Adam’s head. He saw her commit suicide by slashing her throat with a broken piece of mirror. He cringed at the violence of these images. He wondered if it was possible that this quiet, innocent-looking girl was really capable of such ferocity.

          “What happens now?” Adam asked.

          For the first time, the monotony in the girl’s facial expression was broken. She raised an eyebrow. It seemed she did not understand the question posed by Adam. She sat at the edge of the bed and looked down. “There is nothing,” she replied quietly. “We are here to linger, to suffer and be given no respite. We relive our death, see our past recur endlessly, inundating us in our regrets, guilt, and remorse. There is nothing here, nothing more, but death.”

          Adam shook his head. “That’s not what this place is! There is heaven, or hell for that matter. We are here to do penance, if we choose so. Purgatory is not a final dwelling!”

          The girl stood with a bolt. Her face displayed anger this time. “You know not what you speak of! Beware! Continue this barrage, and death shall certainly come your way once more!”

          Adam was intrigued by her ominous tone. “What do you mean?”

          “The black cloak shall come and get you, and he shall perish you. I saved you once. But next time, there may be more of them.” Vikhoune stepped closer to him and whispered to his ear. “Do your chores! Come with me, where you shall be safe. But only if you stop blaspheming this place.”

          “What chores?” Adam wanted to know. “And I’m in danger? I’m already dead!”

          “This place is a sanctuary," replied Vikhoune. "And it will remain as such for you if you shut your mouth. Now, come with me!”

          Ang Purgatoryo ay isang antolohiya na aking nilikha simula pa noong 2003. Ito ay kwento ng isang mundo kung saan nagtatagpo ang kaluluwa ng mga namatay, mga engkanto at mga nilalang ng kabilang buhay. Narito ang ilang trivia tungkol sa Purgatoryo:

1.     Ang babaeng tutulong kay Adam sa kwento ay pinangalanang Vikhoune (pronounced as vi-kun) sunod sa pangalan ng isa kong kaibigan mula sa Laos.

2.     Ang numero ng kwarto ni Adam sa hotel ay numero ng cabin ko sa barkong Nippon Maru noong mag-cruise kami sa Southeast Asia for SSEAYP, taong 2003.

3.     Isa sa mga inspirasyon ng kwento ay ang pelikulang Matrix, hence the dark undertones of the story.

4.     Isinulat ang Purgatoryo upang maisali sa short story category ng Palanca Awards for Literature. Kaya lang, lumawak nang lumawak ang kwento nina adam at Vikhoune, hanggang hindi na siya short story.

5.     Ang Purgatoryo ay isang work in process. Patuloy na isinusulat, wala pang ending.

By 28th August next year, Magwayen will celebrate its 10th Anniversary. The Magwayen alumni, fondly referred to as its Elders, have great plans for this momentous event. Although none of them are in writing yet, hehehe. But there have been talks about a dinner concert at a Hotel, a commemorative coffeetable book, the launching of the Magwayen ID, and a lot more. Everybody’s excited already. But busy and conflicting schedules, financial resources, and other logistical concerns stand in the way. Ang maganda lang, mahigit isang taon pa bago dumating ang mahalagang araw na yun. Mahaba-habang panahon pa para lubusang makapaghanda. Well, we’re all hoping for the best. Wow! Isang dekada na ang Magwayen! It’s simply amazing.

          Maraming salamat po sa mga taong tumatangkilik sa aking blog page at patuloy na sumusubaybay sa antolohiyang aking sinulat, ang PURGATORYO. Sa mga nagtext ng kanilang mga komento, positibo man o kritikal, lubos ko po itong ikinatutuwa. Kina Ate Jing, Mark, Rissa, Trish, Len, and Sarah, maraming salamat sa pagiging masugid na tagahanga. Asahan ninyo na mas magiging kapana-panabik ang mga susunod na kwento sa mundo nina Adam at Vikhoune.

EPISODE 4

          When Adam opened his eyes, he was back at the familiar surroundings of their apartment. He stood up with a jolt, causing the stool he was sitting at to tumble on the floor. He searched the place for the devil, determined not to be petrified and ready to scurry away again. But there was nobody else in the living room.

          He posed the chair back in its place and sat. He was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief. It was a horrible nightmare, after all! He sat in silence, trying to recall his dream – his dead neighbor, the frozen time, the girl, the devil! He gazed at the spot where the black man stood. He tried to rebuff the macabre thoughts off his head.

          It was then that he heard a distinct sound. Tick, tock, tick, tock. Unmistakably, the ticking sound of the clock. Adam stood up slowly and walked towards his room. He had barely made several steps when, from one of the other rooms, his brother Rodrigo came out running to the next door.

          “Hey, Rod!” Adam called. But Rodrigo didn’t seem to have heard him. Another door slammed open, and James, wearing only his boxers, came out and hurried to enter the room where Rodrigo got into. “James, what’s going on?” Adam asked. He walked towards where they were, inside his room, bewildered. Why can’t they hear me?

          Adam stepped inside and was shocked by what he saw. He saw himself, lying in bed, pale and unconscious, lifeless. James and Rodrigo was trying to do CPR on him. They seemed to be talking, shouting even. But Adam couldn’t hear what they were saying.

          Adam tried to move in closer. He wanted to make sure he’s seeing what he’s seeing. Tick, tock, tick, tock. The sound was ever louder. Then, he saw James and Rodrigo calm down from their panic. Adam saw himself motionless in bed. His gaze turned to the clock at the bedside drawer. The tick tock sound halted, and Adam swayed his head in utter disbelief. The time displayed on the digital clock was 8:30.

          Adam turned to leave, but stopped all of a sudden. He stood face to face with another Adam, and found himself staring this one in the eyes. Before long, Adam realized that he was standing before a mirror, and was merely looking at his own reflection.

          “You cannot deny death when you see it.”

         Adam recognized the voice. He trembled at the realization that the nightmare had come back. Or did I awake from it in the first place? He stepped back from the mirror and saw the reflection of the room, and of the girl who stood in a corner behind him. “Who are you?”

          The girl walked slowly towards him. She was wearing the same grimy shirt with torn sleeves. Her face, though covered with dirt, showed innocent eyes and a timid expression. She couldn’t be older than eighteen. Adam didn’t move away as she finally closed the gap between them.

         “I am Vikhoune. What is your name?”

          Adam cleared his throat and answered in a low voice. “My name is Adam, and I’m scared, and I have not a single clue or rational explanation as to what is going on. Now, please tell me! Have I gone insane, imagining all these! Or am I really…?”

          The girl looked at him intently then prodded him. “Go on. Say it.”

          “Dead?” Adam almost whispered. Vikhoune didn’t reply. Without taking her eyes off his, she nodded her head. It seemed they stood there gazing at each other forever, even if it was just actually a few moments. Then, finally, he submitted. Realization overwhelmed him. He believed.

          Adam buckled on his knees, suddenly lost all strength to remain standing. Too many things ran in his head. Why do I feel alive? What will happen to my brothers? Have they buried me yet? Is this heaven or hell? What about all the unpaid bills? I have a meeting by Saturday, and my boss will kill me if I don’t attend. But he can’t kill me now ‘coz I’m already dead.

          Adam raised his head and looked at Vikhoune. She hadn’t removed her eyes on him all the while. She stood there as if anticipating Adam’s next question.

          “If I am dead, then what is this place?” Adam wanted to find out. “This won’t pass as heaven. Because the Bible don’t exaggerate, right? But if this is hell, it’s not so bad at all.”

          Vikhoune answered with the same blank expression. “You are in a place that is neither. The eternal asylum of souls bereft of peace, restless and damned.

          “You are at the Purgatory.”

                32 students and possible faculty members are dead after a terrifying rampage. I don’t have many words at this time, only to express my heartfelt sorrow and deepest sympathies to those affected by this horrifying event. I understand what you are feeling and experiencing at this moment. I have cried those tears. I have asked the questions over and over again.

          I know your pain. I have also lived in moments of fear where you do not know what is happening. The unknown can be far more dangerous and fear inducing than the truth that is slow in coming. In these moments, know that even so many hundred of miles away, I stand here feeling remorse for such a tragedy as this.

          I feel anger at the loss of life. I feel horror at the impact this will have on the school, the community and in the end the nation. I feel sadness in knowing this is not the last school shooting to scar our hearts. I feel empty at being helpless to run to those in need and help. All I can do is pray and watch as the events continue to unfold.

          Tonight we question, we theorize and we assume. We should question and search for the answers. But I believe we should not forget the lives lost and the pain that will be coming to surface in the next few hours, days and weeks.

          Remember. …and pray. Pray for the families, the wounded, the lost and the community.

          I’ve reached the 20-Day mark of my freedom from Cigarettes. I feel wonderful about it. Almost three weeks! Wow! Kailangan lang talagang magpakatatag para hindi daigin ng mga temptations. Minsan, pagka nababato ako, nagke-crave ako for a stick. But, so far, i haven’t been defeated yet. My resolve remains strong.

EPISODE 3

          The words seemed to reverberate in Adam’s ears.

           He didn’t want to believe it. How could he possibly? Last night, he went to bed after watching the Australian Open. He listened to the usual lullaby of his brothers’ squabbling, recited a little thank-you-prayer, then dozed off. He couldn’t be dead.

          But he felt terrified. He didn’t want to accept what the girl said, but he couldn’t dismiss it too.  He let go of the girl’s han d and said, “That’s absurd! We are in the middle of downtown, talking – how can we be dead?” The blank expression on the girl’s face remained unchanged. She looked intently at him, but Adam had no intention of staring back at her again. “You saw it, how I died,” she said, almost whispering. “You cannot deny death.”

          Adam felt anger surge through him. “I am not dead!” he shouted. Then, without thinking, he ran back to the hotel. He bumped on several people and stumbled twice, but he got up and continued his way. He wanted sanctuary before he completely lose his mind. He ran as fast as he could, as thoughts raced in his head. He tried desperately to remember everything that happened the previous night, dogged to find a clue, any clue to substantiate that he’s not dead. That the world has gone crazy or was simply playing mind games on him.

          Adam entered the hotel. He didn’t find Rolly or Ronnie at the lobby, but he didn’t care. He dashed the three floors up to his apartment, only to find the door of 307 ajar. Adam stopped in front of it, finally able to catch his breath. Slowly, he pushed the door open. He prayed anxiously to see his brothers. He wanted all this madness to end.

          But it was neither James nor Rodrigo that he saw.

          In a sudden instant, everything that he knew to be right or wrong, truth or imagination, rational or lunacy faded and was replaced by dread unlike he ever felt in his whole life. Standing at the center of the living room was a tall man, cloaked in a black robe that fluttered in the wind blowing from the opened windows. He had an ominous presence and, though, his face was shrouded in shadow, Adam felt his eyes fiercely gazing at him. He wanted to escape, but his whole body froze, his feet inexplicably unable to move, as if glued to the floor.

          Adam was even more horrified when the man took a step towards him. He wanted to shriek, but he couldn’t open his mouth. Tears started falling on his cheeks, a prayer already running in his head. Is he the devil? Or Death, here to collect me? He remembered the words of the girl - I am dead. We all are.

          The man took another step. A foul smell emanated from him, like the stench of burned carcass. It nauseated Adam. The stink polluted his lungs and filled it with reek. Adam could no longer think straight, his mind as if in trance. He stood there like a man awaiting his execution, his inevitable doom. He no longer had the will to resist. He probably thought, still, that this was just a nightmare he’d eventually wake up from. Or maybe, he just knew there was no more escape.

          Adam closed his eyes in submission. He found comfort in the blackness, though he felt the man step closer once again. Those few moments seemed to have stretched forever. He wasn’t sure which he anticipated – fangs sucking blood through his neck, his arms or head being ripped off, or a blade scything his innards. He just waited.

          What happened next, he wasn’t sure. Adam felt a hand grab his arm, and the next thing he saw, when he finally opened his eyes, was the girl from downtown, whisking him out of the building. He felt weak, as if still under a spell. So he just let the girl take him away. Although he can’t think straight, he felt safe.

          She was talking to him, but her voice seemed to be coming from afar. “… must remain awake … you are not … how did you … must wake up…” He could not decipher the snippets from what she was saying. His eyes were getting heavy, he felt weaker than ever. He could feel her dragging him.

          Then, it was all black again.

EPISODE 2        

           Adam was overwhelmed with fright as he frantically went out of 1750 Main Street, the 3rd floor of which he calls home. In his haste, he bumped onto a person passing by the street. They both fell on the sidewalk.

          Adam quickly stood up and pronounced a torrent of apologies. He found out that the person was a sturdy old man in a military uniform. He offered a hand to assist him in getting up, but the old man refused and slapped Adam’s hand away. The latter said something in a strange sounding language. Adam only understood English and Filipino. But as the old man obviously spoke in an angry tone, Adam needed no further translation.

          It was at that exact moment when Adam finally sensed an eerie feeling of discomfort. It didn’t take long before he realized how quiet it suddenly became. Adam looked around him and was stunned by what he saw – everybody on the street had stopped on their tracks and were all looking directly at him. It seemed like hundreds, even a thousand pairs of eyes darted at him.

          Slowly, he stepped away from the old man and started walking. He had no idea where he was going, he just felt compelled to leave and disappear. As he did so, the street went alive again and the people went on their own directions. Adam grimaced at the sight of oddly dressed pedestrians. There were definitely more than several foreigners joining this parade.

          He also noticed that the shops lining the street are all closed. The residential buildings had all their lights turned off. Or there must really be a power outage? Must be. Even the traffic lights are not on. Not that there is a need for them at the moment. All the cars are still idly aligned on the road.

          Far ahead, he could already see the pinnacle of the city hall. A large clock bedecks the tower. Residents of the city refer to this landmark as the watchtower, the icon for which Manila is known. Adam saw a familiar display of time on the clock – the shorter hand pointing at eight, the other at six. Half past eight!

          Adam swayed his head in disbelief. He grabbed a man passing by and hastily asked for the time. The man looked irritably at him, but did not reply. Adam took his arm and looked at his watch. Just as he feared, the time read half past eight. The man pushed him away. “You’re crazy! Time doesn’t exist in this place,” the latter retorted.

          “What do you mean by that?” Adam pleaded. But the old man hurried away, leaving him bewildered. Has he gone crazy, indeed? Everything that’s been going on since he woke up is nothing but weird, the kind of stuff he sees on the Twilight Zone. Now, wait a minute! That must be it! I’m dreaming, I haven’t woke up yet!

          But before Adam could actually convince himself that everything was a reverie, he heard a voice from behind which said, “You are mistaken.” Adam turned around and found out that it was a young lady who spoke the words. She wore grimy clothes, and her face was caked with dirt. Her eyes looked tired, as if worn out by incessant crying.

          “There is no waking up,” the girl continued. “You now dwell in the eternal embrace of slumber.” The girl looked at him for a brief moment, then started to walk away. Adam managed to grab her by the hand. “Who are you?” he asked, already in panic. “And what the hell is happening here?”

          “I am what you are,” the girl replied without looking at him. “We are what everybody else is in this abhorrent place!”

          The girl turned and, instantly, her eyes met Adam’s. What he saw drained whatever sanity was left in him. His mind was flooded with a violent flow of visions –slivers of memory from a past not his own, which ended with a glimpse of a tragic suicide. He realized what they meant, understood everything even before the girl spoke once more.

          “I am dead. We all are.”