I lost so much in the past six months that i got lost myself. Finally, i couldn’t handle it anymore. i cracked, broke down.
How did i end up in that dark room, crying helplessly, flooded with regrets? Was it because of the fact that i was a slacker, a worthless bum since December of last year? Was it due to my impatience and anger towards dreams still unfulfilled? Was it because of friends who failed to be there when they were the ones who should have immediately sensed what was already happening to me? Whatever the reason, I inevitably fell apart.
I resigned from PLM January of 2005. I don’t remember now what made me decide that way. It seemed the right thing to do back then. I landed a job at a call center in People Support. I earned more than twice what i was getting from PLM. But i was not happy. Eight months later, i was on a stage in PLM, helping realize Ang Prinsipe ng Marulaya. The play was a great success. So great that i felt lingering in my dream again.
The dream, of course, is to be a writer. Not just for the Magwayen plays, but for TV, for film. Akala ko, when i won the FAP scriptwriting contest, it will create a snowball and open doors for more opportunities. I began writing and writing. I finished two more screenplays, Makiling and Kolono. But the career i wanted was nowhere in sight.
Because of Marulaya, I decided to leave People Support. A month later, i took on another job. The pay was now even higher. Plus, I finally received the 100K from FAP. I was able to give large sums to my sisters to support their family. I bought new phones for myself, my Dad and my brother. Shopping became an addiction. Everything seems to be going okay.
And then, just like that, i started to decay inside.
Forgive the metaphor, but that was exactly how i felt. I started to rebel. I quit my job, again. I left old friends, and found new ones, then left them for others, and the cycle went on. I did dumb things.
When i woke up one morning in late January, everything i had was gone. No job, no money, no self-esteem, no friends. I messed up big time. I decided to do some damage control. I made peace with old friends. I applied for Procter and Gamble and tried my luck again in Pamantasan. For a while, I thought i could still rebound. Well, not so fast.
PLM and P&G seemed promising at first. I even came so close to getting back to OSA. But my luck seemed to have ran out. It was the final blow. A blow that cut too deeply.
Last Thursday evening, i wanted to finally give up. Suko na ko. Pagod na ko. But I did something right, finally. I talked to friends. I spilled out my guts. They listened. And they never pointed a blaming finger at me. Just when i thought there was no way out, i realized that the key was with me all along.
God made Himself felt through these friends. I was humbled. I realized that I needed to pick up the pieces. My heart was torn and broken in shards, but its only me who can fix it, make it one piece again.
I’m okay now. It took me long to get here, but i’m finally out of the dark.
