Wicked Without Remorse

Later tonight, bibiyahe kami ng mga tugonista friends papuntang Labrador, Pangasinan. Four days kami dun. Makiki-fiesta, magsu-swimming, manggugulo. I don’t know why i’m excited about this trip. Magdadala nga ako ng journal e. i’ve got this feeling that this getaway will make this a summer to remember. i’m not just looking forward sa bonding. every little thing, every single moment, i don’t wanna miss any. i’m excited to go crazy and be wild and outrageous, just have fun, just live life and celebrate it. sana okay ang mga tao dun at welcome ang mga weirdong gaya ko, hahaha.

Well, i guess i can say it’s official. i won’t be winning any Palanca Award this year. hindi ko kasi natapos yung material na gusto kong isali. sayang. i had this gut feeling pa naman na may laban yung screenplay na yun. well, there’s still next year, and the year after that. i just hope walang expiration date yung gut feeling ko na mananalo ako, hehehe.

The show is over close the story book
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well, they’re reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser’s living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn’t pantomime
You are more beautiful when you awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory well
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

Okay, i promised a happy entry to my blog today. Kaya lang, i just stayed home most of the day kaya wala masyadong happening. So, naisip ko, i’ll just make a Top Ten List of Things That Cheer Me Up Lately. Here it goes:

1 A crush that makes my heart leap  and smile

2 A bunch of Bio Friends

3 A script halfway done, a possible Palanca Winner! (naks! assuming)

4 PLM homecoming, malapit na malapit na!

5 Magwayen. A bigger one this coming schoolyear!

6 Campus Girls

7 Grey’s Anatomy and Lost

8 Tugon Elders, yung mga visible lang ha

9 FAP Awards Night, three weeks na lang.

10 My Blog, may bago na ko kakampi, hehehe

Para sa akin, kahit ano pa ang sitwasyon, ang lalake dapat ang nagpapakalalake at hindi ang babae. Sayang kasi. Ang isang napakagandang araw ay nagtapos lang sa isang nakakabadtrip na eksena. Ang sarap mong batukan, bata ka! Hindi ka naman bobo, pero bakit hindi mo nakikita na hindi na maganda ang ginagawa mo. ‘Wag mong sabihin sa akin na wala kang masamang intensyon. Hindi po katwiran yun. Wala kang karapatan paglaruan ang damdamin ng ibang tao, lalo pa kung ang ibang taong yun ay kaibigan ko’t malapit sa puso ko. Timbangin mo po lahat ng bagay na lalabas sa bibig mo, bawat text na isesend mo, bawat kilos na gagawin mo. Kung lahat ng ito ay parte lamang ng diskarte mo, ay sus, ‘di na po maganda ang mga nagiging resulta. Ikaw ba ang babae? Kasi mga babae lang ang alam kong mahilig makipag-patintero, sila lang ang may mood swings, sila ang pinu-pursue, sila ang inaasikaso, inaalala at iniintindi.

and to you, My friend, ‘di kita pangungunahan sa mga bagay na nais mong gawin, isipin, o maramdaman. i respect you so much. nagdaramdam lang ako pag nakikita ko na you are being taken for granted. you deserve someone who can appreciate the beautiful, smart, thoughtful, fun, and charming person that you are. you don’t deserve to get hurt this way.

o, sige! it’s a new day today. who knows kung anong bago ang mangyayari.

All of life is a coming home. All of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home.

Kanina, sabi ko sa isang taong sobrang malapit sa puso ko, "you are one of those that got away." Habang iniisip ko ang nakaraan, bigla kong nakita yung napakaraming possibilities na maaaring naging kami. Kaya lang, hindi nga nangyari. Nung panahong yun kasi, I guess i was just waiting to be found. Hindi niya ako nakita, hindi niya nahanap ang daan papunta sa puso ko na sobrang handang magsilbing tahanan niya.

Ngayon, ganun pa rin ang pananaw ko - that we are all lost and restless, waiting for someone to find us, calm us, bring us home. Siguro, kailangan lang natin maniwala na may mga taong kagaya rin nating naghahanap, at itinakda na magkita ang itinadhana para sa isa’t-isa. Di dapat kainipan ang paghihintay. Pero kailangang maging alerto ka palagi, para ‘di ka lampasan ng taong hinihintay mo. Masyadong tricky. Ilan lang ang nagtatagumpay. Yung iba tsamba.

Last month, nag-open ang opportunity na makabalik ulit ako ng Pamantasan. I applied for the position of Director for Student Discipline sa OSA (OSDS na ngayon). I was so excited after ng interview ko with President Roy. Everything seemed to be in place, hihintayin na lang ang pagbaba ng appointment.

It all seemed so easy. I remember telling myself that some bumps were bound to impede this smooth sailing journey back to PLM. Eto, mukhang nagsisimula na.

A friend of mine from Bukluran told me, "Anak na naman ng Diyos ang Tugon nyan." Well, i know he meant it as a joke, knowing our friendship goes beyond party lines. But it made me think na baka ganun pa rin ang mentality ng ibang estudyante sa akin.

I served OSA for 4 years before i resigned in 2005. I never used my power as a University official to further the cause of Tugon. I made many friends from the Ayos and Bukluran party. I would like to believe that i gained their trust and respect. My impartiality was not dictated by the post i handle, but my own volition to foster a harmonious relationship between the students and the administration. Katwiran ko kasi, paano ko ipaglalapit ang mga estudyante sa admin kung ang mga estudyante mismo ay watak-watak dahil sa iba-iba nilang agenda.

I know that when i return to PLM, iintrigahin na naman ako kaliwa’t-kanan. I’m not daunted by that fact. Ganyan din naman nung una kong pasok. I can’t blame them. Siguro, i just have to earn their trust again. Alam ko namang hindi sila maramot. Si Kuya Marlon sa loob ng OSA ay ‘di Tugonista kundi kakampi ng lahat ng mga estudyante, anumang partido.

Lahat anak ng Diyos.

It seems like everybody’s pairing up lately. Ang daming top 5 lists na naglalabasan. Yung iba naglilipat na ng network para makatext to sawa ang mga bagong special someones nila. May mga testi na kung babasahin ang mga hindi nakasulat ay mauunawaan mo ang totoong sinasabi.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about Tugon-Rescue and Magwayen. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there - elders and members, officers, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, new friends. When we gave each other paychecks, as far as I know none of them were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.

I’ve almost given up on love so many times. The last relationship i got into ended up disastrously. It has been four months now, and it still stings.

But something so contagious has been spreading around. And now i find myself smiling again. Could this be love? Hehehe. Wishful thinking. Tinanong ako ng isang bata kung umabot na sa ganung level. Honestly, i don’t think so. Pero the feeling is much more special, much more innocent and sincere. Crush? Am i too old for it?

I don’t think so. Bite me!

Siguro, i’m doomed to die a sad, miserable person. Hanep, sobrang nega! Hehehe. I dream and expect so much in this life, that everything else doesn’t seem to measure up and provide me that lingering joy. Sa edad na 26, hindi ko pa rin kilala ang sarili ko. Ang galing ko bumasa ng ibang tao, pero sarili ko ‘di ko kilala. Ano kaya yun?

Tapos, eto pa. Ako na yata ang pinakamasungit, pinaka-moody, pinaka-wicked na tao sa balat ng Pamantasan. Bakit ba ang hirap para sa akin mag-express ng pagmamahal? What am i doing wrong? Bakit yung mga taong mahal ko, imbes na maramdaman nila yun, ang nangyayari ay nasasaktan ko pa sila? Para tuloy inilalayo ko sila sa akin.

Sabi ng mga bata, mahal nila ako. Na mabait naman daw ako, basta matutunan nila sakyan ang ugali ko. Na lambing ko lang daw pag nang-aaway ako. Naisip ko, yun bang mga taong nang-iwan sa akin, minahal din ba nila ako at hindi lang nila nasakyan ang ugali ko? Kung ganon, ako ang may kasalanan. I expected them to adjust. I never did my part.

Ang dami nang wake up call para magbago. Siguro, oras na para gumising talaga.